didn’t know where to start

the past week or so has been rough.  for a multitude of reasons, i have been severely sad.  i think a lot of it has to do with the stress my brother causes me.  his continual inconsideracy has, on more than one occasion, pushed me to looking up alternative places to live. 

how has he been inconsiderate?  it’s been a bunch of little things that have added up.  one little one might not have bothered me, but when you stack them up, the load breaks my strength.  i have spent 2.5 years in medical school, and i question that there has been a time that i have been more stressed out.  i have managed every year with ease.  i know it’s not a matter of being this year either.  before my mother left, i was doing just fine.  during surgery when i was rarely home, i was just fine.  now, on the easiest rotation of the year, i am breaking down.   the amount of stress and responsibility put on me is overwhelming.

i am notoriously matt’s “second mom”, which is always a good joke, but when push comes to shove – i am not actually his second mother, nor have i ever wanted that responsibility.  i don’t want to tell him to clean, i don’t want to tell him to pay people back, i don’t want to check to make sure he’s awake in the morning, i don’t want to worry about him going to court.  this f-ing ridiculous.  i don’t want to answer calls from my father regarding matt not answering his telephone.

what i want, is to spend my time studying when i am home, and studying in peace – apparently another luxury in this household.  The day brandon moves out, that tv is going downstairs, because i cannot stand the congregation of people in the living room, right outside the room i study.  i have told my mother that i will not tolerate having a fourth roommate who i don’t know.  i know cougar steve a little, but that’s about it.  i have reports that he’s clean, which for me, would be a miracle.  however, i would rather pay extra rent than take on another person, which i definitely explained to my mother.

 my concern for her is the continued unreliability of these guys.  all i can ask of her is to put her house on the market, put in laminate floors in the common rooms, fresh carpetting in the bedrooms, and hope the house sells.  she could pay matt and i to repaint neutral colors.  i have no doubt of my ability to handle an apartment on my own, and at this point, i don’t really give a rats ass what matt does.  i know of some new apartments that take dogs (aka delilah) and i’ll peace out.

i have only reassured my mom that i’m not going to bail on her and put her in a lurch.  i will have to talk more formally with her regarding putting the house on the market.  i don’t know what’s involved in selling a house, but if she’s willing to put it up now, by the time summer rolls around she might have  sale.  hopefully, she’ll just read this blog and i can save myself a phone call.

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