“i just don’t have time” has already become the major theme of my life. conveniently it is also the reason i haven’t written on here. even as i write this now, my eyelids as are slowly drooping and my head has taken on its rightward tilt that is achieves when fatigue sets in. there is no word for it all besides exhaustion. i am sure that most nights i fall asleep within 30 seconds of hittting the bed.

i ended up going to bed after that paragraph. 

residency hasn’t been awful, though.  some days certainly have been, but as a whole i can’t help but realize how blessed i am once again.  i love my apartment, the city, the program and the hospital. 

i work usually right up to that 80 hours a week, some weeks more, some weeks a little less.   my first month was labor and delivery, and it was really fun in the end.  and one can’t complain when you have attendings throwing pool parties for the residents.  that occured yesterday, and it was incredible.  his house sits on the top of the mountain and his backyard drops off with a view of many more mountains.  meanwhile i am falling asleep on a raft in the pool.  rough life.

call schedule can be rough, but i had most of this weekend off.  i took call on friday, and actually got today off, which is a rarity. and what have i done with this time?  cleaned.  because my apartment was getting disgusting.  i also painted z one of his sharks.  my favorite is still the bull shark, but this guy is pretty okay too. i just think it’s a very generic looking booger. anyway, off to eat real food for dinner and go running shortly thereafter.

that’s the reason the cops stopped by today, in their neverending quest to give me an anxiety attack.

i got ‘em back this time though. i walked out with a big ol’ splotch of neosporin on my foreheard (my quick cure for unruly zits), my glasses on, and my hair up in a raggedty mess.

i think they were uncomfortable about my appearance, but it’s possible that they just hadn’t expected me to be around (as in they were ready to be tough and mean to chewkie). i like to think it was the former. i can look pretty scary when i’m feeling like it.

time for a run, and then a splendid evening of toenail painting, eyebrow plucking and florida packing!

a story i wrote for a sci fi class at my school:

He sat on the exam table looking down at the gown, still debating which direction to have the opening face.  He hated coming to the doctor, but he wondered who really liked going anyway.  He doubted that this was a new phenomenon.  There is a faint rap on the door, as though the doctor was distracted as he knocked.  The doctor walked in reading the chart, looking up at him just as he closed the door with a finality that made him nervous. 

“I’m looking here at your blood pressure, and it appears it’s elevated today.  Did you have coffee, smoke or have anything strenuous happen today?”

“Um, uh, not that I can recall…why?”

“Well, those things can raise your blood pressure.  I need to assess whether it was a one-time thing, or more permanent.  We know genetically you have a long history of heart disease and hypertension in your family, and based on our DNA analysis, we know you’re approaching the age when it will develop in you.”

Without allowing any further discussion, the doctor placed the electrode over his heart.  He watched and listened as it pierced his ears with its high pitch beep signaling its completion.  He barely glimpsed the numbers as the doctor removed it from his chest.  Even if he hadn’t seen the numbers, he saw his verdict.  The doctor scanned the chip in his arm and entered the new diagnosis.

Later that evening, he returned home, still thinking about the slew of monthly injections he was  now mandated to receive.  The cost was not a concern; the government had long ago decided to pay for healthcare.  It was more than that.  He had heard his friends and co-workers discuss the other ensuing changes that such a diagnosis led to.  He sunk into the couch and heaved a deep sigh.   His wife would be home in a few minutes, and he wondered whether she would already know or if he would have to tell her.  Despite everything he had been told about the genetics and inevitability, he still felt responsible for the diagnosis. 

He commanded the viewing screen to turn on.

“ERROR.  You are no longer authorized for access to this unit.”

It had already started.  He could deduce what his new “options” would be: exercise, relaxation techniques, etc.  He wondered if he sat on the couch long enough, would it chuck him off of it?  At that moment, his wife opened the door.  He begrudgingly raised his eyes to meet hers.  She knew. 

“I tried to order groceries to be delivered today, and lo and behold, I can no longer order ice cream.  What will the kids have for dessert?  What is the diagnosis?”

“Hypertension.”

It was like a death knoll.  To the government, it ran with the likes of diabetes and obesity.  Once they started paying for healthcare, it was easy for them to enact legislation deciding what you could and couldn’t do.  Very few people were still permitted to smoke cigarettes, which was primarily only tolerated because the government owned the cigarette companies as well.   The government was now able to control his diet, activity levels, and his habits.  It was a consequence that would reverberate throughout his home.  His children would no longer be able to watch the viewing screen with him in the room, and he now dictated the food they were permitted to eat. 

He knew he could tolerate it.  He had seen many others before him survive. 

the teacher said it was worthy of publication, but meh.  here it is.  published.

i will be trying to write daily during this month since it’s bound to produce some rather interesting stories.  if i am not wirting every day, i will hopefully be making up for it on those days i do write… this all of course excludes weekends.

day 2 was pretty awesome.  it consisted of going to one of the local community hospitals where there are no residents.  this was particularly exciting because i actually was doing a lot in the case.   we had a carotid endarterectomy after some other at forum where the resident did most the work, but let me close.

then it was off to clinic where i didn’t do anything because he sees all of ten patients – score…

of note, it’s pretty awesome when an attending gives a ride over in their nice car and you’re the cool medical student who spills tea all over it, especially right after calling some other girl a “ditz”.  what great timing on my part.

it’s pretty great to be back – free food, free parking, attendings and residents that i already know.  i only anticipate the time spent to improve. 

this first week has been gyne service, and while i skip the silly details, i am obliged to say that the chief i work with has been strangle-worthy lately.  overall, he’s a pretty decent guy – i know he just wants to make me a great student and prepare me for residency.  but sometimes he just says and does ridiculous things.  such things include telling me that he thinks i am a good student, but that some people in the program are still unsure of me.  this comment may be entirely true – and that’s fine.  but there is no point in telling me this.  although i do doubt that it is true.  time and time again, i am able to impress attendings with both my knowledge and skills when put to the test.  i can do a mean subcuticular stich along with a quick and neat suturing of the fascia.  this program is good, but it’s not the best on the list, and i know many of the attendings and residents are hoping i will come there.  i know i can get into better programs, and i might really go for those better programs – so telling me that some people are all “meh” about me is not really a way to sell a program to me.  i’m a good candidate and i will definitely bust my ass on residency.  even as a fourth year i work more hours than i need to – and it’s not to impress them – i don’t need any letters of rec – i already got ‘em.  whatever.

anyway, i’m looking forward to friday.  i will be done with that resident, i’ll pick up some pictures, and head back out to the burgh for some fun.  plus, on friday, i’ll get to scrub in on some surgeries where i might actually be the one doing something instead of watching.  we will see.   i have to go though, nasal congestion is making me sleepy and i still want to go for a run on a miserably gray october evening.